• Seeds of Hope


Journal entry, September 24th, 2003. How is it that the more we know and understand about creation that we become fixed or stumble in our expectation of God? Do we think that though the world has its fixed order and function that God Himself is somehow hindered by His own creation; that He has used up all His creative power upon this puny universe and every person created or yet to be created?

Oswald Chambers responds to my question this way, "The more you know the less intelligently you pray because you forget to believe that God can alter the difficulties."

When I wrote that question in my journal I didn't know we'd be facing a serious life threatening disease exactly 11 years later, but God did. He was preserving His council and encouragement for such a time as this.


Journal entry, November 15th, 2014. I don’t understand what’s going on. For the last day or two I've had an inner joy. This joy is mingled with a peaceful but excited expectation like a child waiting for Christmas to come. I don’t know what God is planning but whatever it is it’s going to be good.

The reason this joy and excited yet peaceful anticipation seem quite out of place is because of the reality of my husband’s rare and frankly deadly diagnosis two months ago. And because we agreed that we didn't want him to undergo the ravages of chemotherapy, which affords no hope or cure. 

We've had to traverse the unknown paths of researching other options. Now that we've decided what to do and where to go I've had to walk a long uncharted road of paperwork and coordinating of the timing of releasing medical records to nearly every person or place that will be necessary on this journey of treatment and recovery.

It’s a scary road. I kind of feel like Christian from Pilgrim's Progress, who wants to get to the Palace Beautiful which he can see but there are lions on either side of the narrow path.

I've found when traveling an unfamiliar road one will undoubtedly experience confusing signs and detours. All of which only seem to serve to slow or hinder reaching the greatly desired destination. Enemies like those Christian met, Timorous and Mistrust, are lurking as eager ambushers ready to pounce upon and rob anyone of the little bit of faith they have. But like the voice of Watchful calling out to Christian I've an ever watchful and equally faithful heavenly Father calling to me to not be afraid, the lions are restrained with chains too short to reach those who will stay in the middle of the narrow path. His holy word strengthens my heart, steadies my feet and clears my mind of the confusion and doubt. And before I know it songs of deliverance flow from my grace-filled heart and fill my natural ears with their spirit refreshing truth and hope.

This is not the first time an inexplicable joy and peace have been gifted to me in times of distress and serious consequences. In each case they had outcomes beyond what I could ask or imagine. And although the answers and solutions didn't come quickly they did come at just the right time. So I've learned to pay attention to this unearthly joy, savoring it as an unshakable promise of future good.

Every day since we received this unexpected diagnosis there have been gifts of grace, gifts of prayer and encouragement in many forms. They bring to mind the scripture that proclaims My God shall supply all my need according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” How often I've applied these verses to only material needs. But they apply to my emotional and spiritual needs without a doubt.

So what do I do with all this hope, joy and peace? My responsibility with this gift is to be a good steward of the grace supplied. I’m to invest it in others particularly my husband. Many mornings he’ll say, ‘feel my neck’. The lump grows larger and harder each day we must wait. One person in a condemning and disapproving tone told me we are wasting time. To trust in God’s leading and timing is never a waste and always wiser than the wisdom of men.


Israel was under the pressure of being annihilated by the much larger and well-armed forces of the Philistines. For they had 30,000 chariots and 6000 horsemen while Israel’s men were fleeing before the battle began. King Saul had been instructed by the prophet Samuel to wait for his return to make sacrifice for Israel. When Saul's fear overwhelmed him he took matters into his own hands and offered the sacrifice himself. When the sacrifice was finished Samuel came and rebuked Saul telling him his kingdom would not endure. God had anointed another man-one after His own heart. The reign of Saul went from bad to worse until he committed suicide. See I Samuel 13.
Just because we don’t understand God’s ways or timing gives us no excuse nor permission to discredit or doubt Him. If we do we do it to our own peril like King Saul.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

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